Episode 31/Transcript
Mackenzie: I am so pretty. Brittnay: Did you really just say that? Jesus Christ get the fuck over yourself. Mr. McNeely: (walks in) Morning, students! I'm your new English teacher, John Michael McNeely. I'm gonna be taking over your class for the rest of the year. Now, you can call me Mr. Mack, you can call me Mr. M. You can call me John, you can call me Michael, you can call me John Michael, just do me a favor and don't call me— Trisha: Mr. McNeely? Mr. McNeely: (sighs) Yes? Trisha: Uh, what happened to Mrs. Montalban? Mr. McNeely: Well, the school wants me to tell you that she's on vacation, but since we're all friends here... she was murdered on a weekend trip to Mexico and her body was found at the border stuffed full of mescalin. Now, who's ready to get this party started? Brittnay: Please stop trying to relate to us, you stupid fuck. Mr. McNeely: Alright, why don't we all learn each other's names with a little bit of roll call! Deandra... how do you pronounce this last name? Deandra: Don't worry about it, I'm here. Mr. McNeely: Trisha Cappelletti. Oh, somebody's family is from Italy! Trisha: Oh no, actually we live off of uh, Vista Heights. It's a cul-de-sac. But um, I'm here. (Ashley enters) Mr. McNeely: Uh oh, looks like we've got ourselves a little Late Lucy—''(laughs)'' little joke guys, little joke... you know I like to have fun. Ashley: Uh, yeah, sorry I'm late. Mackenzie: Oh, hell no this bitch did not just walk into this classroom! Brittnay: Oh hell no! Mr. McNeely: Alright, what's your name? Ashley: Uh, Ashley Katchadorian. Mr McNeely: Okay, Ashley Katchadorian, let's not make it a habit. Have a seat. Mackenzie: Ashley what the fuck do you thinking you're doing walking back into this school? Ashley: Uh, listen guys, I'm sure your probably still pretty heated— Brittnay: Heated? (laughs) Ashley, do you know where I'm going to put this shoe? Ashley: Um, I'm guessing, probably in my asshole. Trisha: Ashley Katcha—! Ashley: Look guys, I tried to transfer to Atchison, but my mom wouldn't make the commute. Turns out it's a lot further away than I thought. Mackenzie: Yeah, it's north of Topeka. Trisha: West of the 71. Brittnay: Everybody knows that. Ashley: Oh. Deandra: Wait, who the fuck is this? Brittnay: Ashley Katchadorian. Mackenzie: She betrayed us at Cheer Nationals. Brittnay: You filled her spot on the Cheer Squad. Ashley: Also, you threw me into a fountain. Mackenzie: You told me about her the first day we met. Deandra: Yeah, but that's not Ashley Katchadorian. Mr. McNeely: A late Linda as well! (Jenna Darabond enters) Deandra: That's Ashley Katchadorian! Mr. McNeely: O-oh, I thought we already had an Ashley Katchadorian? Jenna Darabond: So sorry about the confusion, I'm Jenna Darabond. Mr. McNeely: Oh, Darabond, of course, please have a seat. You know what guys, it seems like everybody's here. So! Today, I thought that we'd watch a little video. The class: Yay! Mr. McNeely: All about me! Brittnay: Fuck. Mr. McNeely: (on TV) What up Overland Park? I'm Mr. Mack, your new English and Theater tea—ah get me out of this box! (laughs) I'm kidding, I'm kidding! I know it's a TV. I wish I can see your faces... Mr. McNeely: Trust me, they're priceless. Mr. McNeely: (on TV) I hope I'm watching. Mr. McNeely: You are! Mackenzie: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN? Trisha: You are way behind on your paperwork. Brittnay: Do you have any fucking clue what the fuck has been going on around here? Jenna Darabond: Oh yes, Brittnay, I do. In fact, I have a better idea of what's been going on around here than any of you ever will. Brittnay: What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Mackenzie: And why the fuck does Deandra think that you're Ashley Katchadorian? Deandra: Yeah, why the fuck do I think you're Ashley Katchadorian? Jenna Darabond: Well, you see this all started a long time ago... (flashback) Jenna Darabond: I don't know Mackenzie—I just—I feel bad. I mean, I can't help but feel like Justin Michaelson and I are meant to be together. Mackenzie: Yeah, but he's dating Ashley Katchadorian. Jenna Darabond: No, I know and that's why I feel so bad. Mackenzie: Well, if you ask me, any cheerleader who hooks up with another cheerleader's boyfriend is a whore. But not just any kind of whore, the worst kind of whore, like the whore the pimp uses to collect the money. (Ashley and Justin are seen making out) Jenna Darabond: (voice-over) I took your advice. I tried to do nothing. Tried to forget about Justin Michaelson, tried to forget about stealing him away from Ashley Katchadorian. Ashley: Um, I'm going to be going to Pearl Harbor a few weeks. Would you mind giving Trisha my paperwork? Jenna Darabond: Oh yeah, no problem Ashley. Ashley: Thanks, you're a really good friend. Jenna Darabond: (gasps) (Justin and Mackenzie are seen making out) Jenna Darabond: (voice-over) Here I was trying to be the bigger person. And there you were, being, well, the degenerate trashbag slut that you've always been. Mackenzie: Hey Jenna, our little secret, k, thanks! Jenna Darabond: (voice-over) It was at that moment that I realized that it in this cheer squad, your cheer squad, nothing was sacred. So I might as well take what I want. And if someone like Ashley Katchadorian gets hurt in the process, so be it. (present) Mackenzie: Jesus Jenna, when did you get so fucking dark? Jenna Darabond: But you Mackenzie, you weren't collateral damage. No, you needed to be taken down a peg. Several pegs in fact. (flashback) Jenna Darabond: (voice-over) So I gave one of your old friends a call. Shay: Wait, what? Hold on. Okay, go ahead... cheating on Steven Carmichael? Oh no, thank you! Jenna Darabond: (voice-over) But my real solution came in the form of a new girl. Deandra: (voice-over) Yay, me with arms! Jenna Darabond: Can I help you? Deandra: Uh yeah, I need to poop. Jenna Darabond: Oh, well, this is a— Deandra: Yeah, I know this is some kind of weird territorial cheerleader bullshit, but I have some actual bullshit that is about to become some hallway bullshit, so I don't really have time to deal with all of your autocratic bathroom hierarchy bullshit, capiche? Jenna Darabond: (voice-over) An aggressive mysterious girl that held no respect for authority? She was everything that I needed. And all I needed to do was light the match— Deandra: Excuse me, are you internal monologuing right now? Jenna Darabond: Oh, right. By all means, please. Deandra: Thank you, God. Jenna Darabond: Oh, by the way, my name's Ashley. Ashley Katchadorian. Deandra: Great, fucking weirdo. (present) Mackenzie: WHAT THE FUCK?! Mr. McNeely: Hey guys, can we, uh, keep it down in the back please? This part's about to get really good! Mackenzie: You were the one that let Deandra in? Trisha: Oh wow... oh you were in charge of the... but you told her to... and you made out with... there's, a lot of things making sense now. Oh, dots are being connected... there's uh, oh... Heeeeeeeyyyyyyy Ashhhhleyyyy... Ashley: Wait, Mackenzie, you made out with Justin? Brittnay and Mackenzie: Shut the fuck up Ashley Katchadorian! Mackenzie: Do you have any idea of the chain of events that your one act of insolence started? Jenna Darabond: Oh, yes I do. (flashback to episode 12) Jenna Darabond: (voice-over) Things got really complicated at prom when Brittnay decided to put her dirty whore lips on my Justin just moments after giving a less than adequate handjob to Connor Devarnan in the parking lot. (present) Brittnay: Um, he seemed pretty satisfied when he drove away in my car. Just saying. Deandra: Wait, are we just going to skip over the part where everyone ripped my fuckin' arms off? Jenna Darabond: Yeah, I didn't have anything to do with that, that was super fucked up. Deandra: Thank you! Jenna Darabond: After prom, even though (voice-over; flashback to episode 12) Ashley Katchadorian was out of the picture, I still had to give Mackenzie and Brittnay what they had coming to them. And Stubs McGee wasn't gonna be enough. (present) Deandra: I had my arms ripped off, you really gotta make fun of me too? (flashback to episode 18) Jenna Darabond: (voice-over) So I thought to myself, what better way to take down a cheer squad than with another cheer squad? (present) Mr. McNeely: Okay you guys, seriously, I'm really gonna need you to keep it down. If you don't pay attention, you're gonna miss my favorite quotes from There Will Be Blood! Mr. McNeely: (on TV) I've abandoned my boy! Brittnay: Wait, the Atchison Cheer Squad showed up because their mall burnt down. Jenna Darabond: It's amazing how dangerous a Brookstone can be. You never know when someone might plug an electric blanket into the same outlet as a meditative rock fountain. Mackenzie: OH MY GOD! YOU BURNED DOWN THEIR MALL? Mr. McNeely: We don't need no water, let the mother—it's funny guys, but come on now, we're almost to the end. Matthew: Actually, Mr. McNeely, I think we should probably be paying attention to what's being said back here, because it sounds like someone's confessing to several very serious felonies. Mackenzie: So what you're telling me is the shitstorm that has been our lives is all because of you? Jenna Darabond: Oh, Mackenzie, the shitstorm is only just beginning...